The Wanting and The Getting

June 13, 2011 at 4:19 pm (Uncategorized)

Fear embraces me, weaves in and out of me. I want to be excited about these new possibilities – I can be for a moment, maybe two – but always there is the doubt that tastes so much like grief. In the secret places of myself I ache with wanting this very thing, this very thing I never thought I’d get. So much safer to hope for something you think will never come than to deal with the reality of a dream come true. How many times have I wanted only to be torn apart by the getting? So much easier to let your fingers trail across the surface of the brass ring but let someone else grab it. My talent is in being a Could-Have-Been. In my mouth regret tastes sweeter than the shame of failure.

I know how that sounds. If only I could think myself free. I told myself the broken places made me invulnerable to fear. The worst has already happened (although I can imagine worse, I can always imagine worse) – this is just a tiny thing. But I don’t believe that. Yet.

Maybe I will try to imagine the best that could happen

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